the thought that i am closer to 50 than i am to 40 isn't lost on me. half of my life is over. i've spent almost 48 years living in part for other people's wants, people's needs, people's opinions. i'm sure most women do the same thing. you start out life living by the rules of your childhood home, you grow up, get married, live the life you and your spouse choose. you live for your spouse and your kid. then, weirdly, your kid becomes and adult and then what? it's a weird spot for sure. i'm currently learning how to navigate this new new. it makes me think of my mom and how she did it.
i realized recently that my mom lost her filter at 50. then i realized i'm in the midst of losing mine at 47 and 11 months of age. i'm glad that she lived her life the way she really wanted in the last 8 years of her life free of the pressures of everyone's expectations and opinions. it's freeing, really to come to the realization that this is really your life to live. and what's really freeing is understanding, accepting, and living by the fact that you do, in fact, make up the rules of your life.
so here i am, busted filter and all at 47.9 years old writing stories and becoming quite the open book. as far as i can tell, there's no real downside to being an open book and having the busted filter. what is going to happen? people withdraw from me and my views of the world? OKKKKK there miss ma'am. have we met? do i really give a shit? i'm not here to change anyone, because that shit is futile. this experience of life currently is about what i want, think, and do.
is it selfish? maybe. no wait. that's a big hell no. i've lived 47 years, half of my life, for other people. so no, it's not selfish, nor do i see it as being selfish for anyone else either. it doesn't mean you don't care for other people anymore or that you don't help your aging parents, grandparents, or children. that would be an asinine thought. i'm also unique in that of those people, i just have an adult child to think of in terms of someone to take care of. dad's doing his thing and will forever be doing what he wants. everyone else is gone. it's kind of lonely, so you turn to yourself and what you want.
i see a lot of people who are so involved with extended family, children, work, church, that when they get to the point i'm at, they have no clue what to do. i understand that. my kid doesn't really need me for much. but here's what: if you raise them right, they won't. it doesn't mean they don't love you, it just means they're busy living their life. that said, when you get to this point, where the only thing you have to do is nurture a marriage, work, and keep house, you get bored really quick.
i think the boredom has led me to the path of jotting down all the ideas that are like rocks rattling around in my brain. other people craft, do home improvement projects, take up camping, start birding, or whatever. here's what: do whatever floats your boat. isn't that the great part of being a full fledged grown up, doing whatever the hell you want? it was the thing we've all wanted since we were kids--to make our own rules, eat ice cream for dinner, and go to bed whenever the hell we wanted.
in starting to write out my random thoughts, the idea occurred to me that maybe, just maybe, someone could get the idea in their brain to live their life the way they wanted to as well. being true to yourself is probably one of the hardest things you could ever do. i also think it is one of the best things you can do to show your kids, friends, spouse who you are and what you are capable of.
people are in a constant state of evolution, change. if you're not, friends, you gotta stop and think about why that is. we are very much in our own state of the eras tour, if you will. for now, i'm in the 'doing what i wanna do and who gives a shit what you think' era. some of you are in mom era, some of you are in single sister or brother era, some of you are in your career era, some of you are in the grannie and papa era. i know my era will change as i age and experience new things. i am especially looking forward to my 'no debt and can travel when i want' era. haha!!
i think it's really easy to keep your thoughts and opinions to yourself. it's a pretty safe bet to be neutral, or at least to act like you are. it's another thing entirely to put yourself out there and be who you really are, regardless of how you perceive yourself to be. i've said before that i know for a fact i'm not every person's cup of tea. i'm ok with that.
i think it's an even greater task to put out there the thoughts you have that don't line up with everyone in your world's status quo. i've written before about my lack of spiritual beliefs and why that is. i think that is likely my most controversial life choice by far, unless you count being a bleeding heart liberal. man, people around here really despise a liberal. i obviously don't care that people do. other people's opinions of me have no bearing on how i live my life. it should be like that for everyone, but i know for a fact it's not.
for now, i'm content being an open book with a busted ass filter. never ask me what i really think if you don't want to know. and never read a blog if you don't want to know about the person writing it.
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