changing

 they say that change is inevitable. change happens on the daily, by the hour, minute, second. our days, setting, looks, meals, people all change. while many fear the change that no doubt is coming for us, in many instances i've learned to accept and welcome it. i won't say that every change is easy, pain free, or a relief. but a lot of times they can be with time. 

from the day you are born you are changing, evolving. whether you can be flexible and ready for it comes with time, experience, and nurturing. are you ready for your firsts? not usually. nobody thinks about them in the moment. vital changes in how we function as human beings are often taken for granted, stored in the memory box, and many times forgotten. i know that i don't remember my first steps, my first skinned knee, my first sip of dr. pepper, or the first time i smelled roses. that said, it has become part of who i am. every change creates who we are. 

that said, it makes me wonder how people can be so scared of changes. is it the unknown? is it the fact that you can never go back? sometimes you can, by the way. as i've grown i've really started to welcome changes. mental, physical, emotional, career, friends; all of it. most of the time, the change has been what i needed for peace, growth, or renewal. have i regretted any changes that have happened in my life as a result of the choices i've made? well, duh. of course. have i learned anything from those choices? usually, but i'm a stubborn thing. 

in the professional sense, teaching is nothing but change. if you aren't willing or able to be a part of that evolution that is a school community, you will burn out so fast it will send you to the looney bin. i've been in that situation. but the good thing was that i was able to embrace a new grade, position, team, or curriculum and that was what was needed for my growth both professionally and emotionally. when you become a teacher you learn that flexibility is paramount to success. success for kids and for yourself. you have to be willing to adapt to new curriculum, new faces, new parents, new initiatives. it's not an easy task. with time and experience (lots of both...lots) it gets easier. i would say it's taken me 20 years to really hit my stride and really really love what i do and i feel like i'm really good at it now. 

imagine if i had given up in year 8 when i couldn't imagine another friggin year of teaching 5th grade special ed? what i needed was a change. that change came in the form of a new school and a new grade i had never taught. yes, let's go from 5th grade to kindergarten. yep, that will do it. i loved it for the most part. we will chalk it up to another notch in the belt, another tool in the box. as i've progressed through the journey that is being an educator, i've found my niche. those that know me know it sure as hell isn't teaching reading. that is most painful job there is on earth. blessed be the ones who can do it well, because it sure isn't me. nevertheless, i took the opportunity to make a change in how i taught kids by learning the principles of project based learning and the evolution of that into stem based learning. who knew that the daughter of an engineer would be good at that? i never thought that was in the cards for me. i've taken what i learned from a couple of conferences and workshops and gleaned the best parts and turned it into what is now what i declare to be a very successful resource program at my school serving every kid from pre-k to 2nd grade. 

i don't tell that part to toot my own horn. i use it as example of what can happen when you are willing and able to adapt to change. as a result of this big leap i have found the joy in being an educator again. that is a hard thing for teachers to do. burnout is real. 

i talk to troy a lot about professional growth and paths and have since taken up this conversation with as many other people as will listen. as a teacher, you go to college to learn to be just that; a teacher. if you want to be an engineer you go to school for that and have a specialty that you explore like my dad did in electrical engineering. both of these are fairly clear pathways to a career. that said, many do not have a clear pathway when they start out. it is very much an evolution. think about troy for a second. he didn't do a traditional pathway to his current career. who wakes up one day as a teenager or college student and says "wow, i think my goal is to be a quality manager/engineer!"? it's a culmination of many years worth of working in manufacturing with a degree thrown in that has no direct relationship to his current position. this applies to many, many other people as well. point being, the changes you experienced are what got you to where you are at. it's given you experiences, relationships, and skills that you couldn't get in four years at uva. 

while professional changes are a challenge, nothing is more challenging than personal changes. relationships are the thing that have no real handbook. or if there is a handbook, i have yet to read it, nor do i particularly want to. that said, the idea that there are seasons to your life and relationships is a really good analogy of how to handle the changes that are inevitable. people, circumstances, experiences, education, births, deaths, illness; all of these things affect relationships. most of the time, people in your life are there for a reason, season, or forever. how you accept that or not will determine the trajectory of your experience of life. will you let it bury you or will you learn from it? 

as a kid, i always thought that big friend groups were where it was at. i had this insane need to be accepted, wanted, and included. i can still say that i always want to be liked, but i'm finding that i already am liked by a handful of people, and that is enough. if all the people don't like me, then it's their loss, not mine because we all know i am the epitome of fabulous. (giant LOL to that one, seriously) the path to learning this fact was a change i haven't always accepted easily. you lose a relationship, regardless of who or what the reason and it can feel like a death that needs to be grieved. that's ok. learn from it, heal from it and move on. i can't and won't say it's an easy change to adapt to. it's pretty fucking hard actually. 

the good thing is this--sometimes those losses can be rekindled. let me tell you this redemption story: i met jessica when we were in first grade in mrs. scruggs' class. we were never that close until maybe middle school when we bonded over new kids on the block, boys (especially the ones who were older, played baseball, and worked at exxon), and skating every weekend at aj skateworld. we became especially close in high school and then college. she was in my first wedding. we tore up the roads as her granny would say. we lived our best commuter life at longwood. that said, being a 20 something starting life led us in different directions. not bad directions really, just different. there was no big event, just a drift. it was odd, but sometimes things are odd. fast forward past a wedding, kid, death, and divorce and we found ourselves at our 10 year reunion from high school and it was like i had seen her just the day before. we never separated again and have gone forward to become closer than we ever were before and have shared some of the best times of our lives. redemption is possible, even after many years and many changes. that is my testimony there. (and thank goodness)

familial changes have become a 50/50 situation for me in life. in one way, i love embracing and seeing the growth and changes that i've seen in my kid, my nieces and nephews. in another way, the losses we have experienced have been changes i have never wanted to experience nor do i ever want to experience again any time soon. births, childhoods, and growing up are fun to watch with our kids. not one of the kids i've had the pleasure of watching grow up have taken the path i thought they would. what they've done and accomplished is so much better and greater than i imagined. 

take my beautiful child. those who haven't had the opportunity to know my child's story are really missing out. talk about a true metamorphosis. watching the changes that have occurred with this phenomenal human have been the joy of my life. i'll say that sometimes being a spectator to this change isn't easy, but wow, it is something much greater. his story isn't really mine to tell, but take my word for it: if he hadn't been willing or able to change, we would be having a whole different conversation. 

the ending of life has been a change that has been heavily on my mind within the last two weeks. a recent passing of a wonderful human will set you to thinking, i know this for sure. loss is inevitable. we are mortal beings. the rational side of my brain knows this. however, the emotional side of my brain struggles at times. on the one hand, losing grandparents who lived full lives wasn't terribly difficult considering. on the other, losing my mom was something i have yet to heal from. that was a change i knew was coming, but the gravity of it, the colossal change to my world was something i was not in any way prepared for. the world as i knew it changed in more ways than i was ready for. it changed my every day, my dad, my home, holidays, occasions, wednesday night dinner, celebrations, vacations, everything. nothing was the same nor will it ever be. 

the dead moms club isn't for the weak. it's not a club i celebrate membership of. it's not one i would wish upon anyone who has a mom less than 90 years old. it changes your dna. your soul. your whole being. i don't know if it made me any better of a person. in fact, i really think i have lost some empathy for people. especially ones who complain about their parents. i'm like "shut up you ungrateful sorry bitch!!" and it's made me less than hopeful for anyone who has been diagnosed with any type of stage 4 cancer. that is harsh, and i know it, but i'm not about to hold back in telling it like it is in my world and experience. 

here's what that unimaginable change has done for me--it's given me this wealth of experience that i've been able to tap into for the people in my life. i have been able to support my best friend when her mom died and shortly after her step dad. i'm not a wonderful support person, but i have gotten better because of my mom. i have been able to bring snacks to friends who have lost moms, dads, friends, uncles, grandparents. i am not a funeral home girl--trauma changes you that way. i don't like being in someone's home during a loss--especially if i don't even know where your bathroom is or where  you keep the cups in your cabinet. that said, i can make an awesome gift bag. i can be the one who texts ridiculous memes of snoop dogg or ludacris being ludicrous. you do what is in your wheelhouse and hope it helps. 

here's what i'm here to tell you, gentle reader: change becomes who you are. you can't escape it. believe me, i've tried. you have two choices here--you can embrace it and learn, or you can be a stubborn mule and still learn. or maybe you won't. either way, sisters and brothers, open up and be ready....changes are headed your way. 

love you. mean it.